Once upon a time there was a little shy sapling. He stood in the ground and danced in the wind, yet he was dissatisfied with his existence.
He looked around at all the other trees and could see that they were all bigger and stronger than him. “Perhaps it’s the earth that does it”, he wondered. He lifted his roots and moved to another part of the forest, where he thought the soil was probably better.
After some time he again looked up at the other trees and could see that they were still growing taller and stronger than him. “Maybe it’s the light. I have to find a place where there is more sun”. He uprooted himself again and moved around the forest until he found a spot where the sun shone directly on him.
Continually confused, the little sapling kept trying a lot of different things to help himself but no matter what he tried, he couldn’t find the answer he was searching for. “Why do the other trees get bigger and stronger than me?”.
The sapling had now moved all over the forest. He had tried the best soil, the most light, more water … and continued to remain stunted in his growth.
The trees that stayed in the same place developed their strong roots. Their bark became more and more solid. Their branches grew thicker and stronger and those trees kept growing taller and taller.
And the poor little sapling just could not understand why it remained small and unhappy.
We live in a world today where everything goes very fast and we tend to move quickly from one thing to another. This applies in our working life, but often also in our relationships.
Remaining constantly in the “same thing” is no longer in vogue and versatility can also be a good thing. Certainly, but it can also have a downside…
For example, it’s considered “old-fashioned” to stay in the same place for the rest of your life. Today we are significantly better at finding out what we want in our lives and especially what we don’t want.
If a job or relationship is unsatisfactory today – we can simply leave. And that’s also fine, in its own way, since we shouldn’t stay in something we don’t find good for ourselves.
On the other hand though, maybe we just throw in the towel too quickly! We are no longer willing to invest much thought, effort or time in working our way out of the problems but just move right on to the next best thing. Much easier, right?
However, we cannot escape ourselves and what often happens is that “the problem” comes right along with us. Suddenly we find ourselves in a similar situation to the one we left before and don’t quite understand what hit us. I thought I had dealt with this you may think, but did you?
Whereas in the “old days” we were forced to “remain in the same” (job/relationship, etc.) it was often necessary to find a certain degree of flexibility and mobility in our conflict resolutions rather than being able to continually endure being in what was now.
Our ability (and willingness!) to compromise and work out solutions was perhaps more developed than it is today. And maybe it’s something we could learn something from?
By “remaining” we have to look deeper into ourselves to find out what exactly is happening within us in these different situations. Does the “fault” lie with us? Are we taking responsibility for our own thoughts, beliefs and actions? Are we being fair to ourselves and others? Are our expectations realistic?
Let’s use a quick basic hypothetical to look a little deeper into the two models – from the old days and the present.
I am in a relationship where I argue a lot.
In the old days, I would have to find a way to beat myself up, as arguing is often unbearable. I would be forced to come to terms with the situation and maybe I would have to suppress my emotions so as not to get into situations where I would argue all the time.
Nowadays I would throw in the towel after a short time and say I don’t want to waste my life arguing. In my next relationship, I might find that I quickly began to argue a lot again – and I would leave again.
As you can see, in neither of the models do I learn much more about myself or find a satisfactory solution to my dilemma.
If I chose a combination of both models instead, I would stop when I discovered that I find myself arguing all the time. It is often the case that when I argue, I point my finger at another person and say that I am only arguing because YOU are (whatever) and YOU do such and such.
My conclusion (and belief) would be that the root of my anger is YOU!
But…
If I stop and look at my finger when I’m pointing, I’ll find that one finger is pointing outward at the world, but three fingers are pointing directly back at myself!
Now I have the opportunity to look deep within myself and discover what is my own part in these quarrels? What does it do to me when you are being you and you do such and such? Is it something inside of me that is being triggered and really has nothing to do with you? Or am I with someone who I really wish was someone other than who you actually are?
By “standing still” I give myself an opportunity to gain greater insight into myself, to get to know myself better and in this way my life can become much more satisfying.
I can discover who I really am (underneath the external worldly facade) and what I really want (deep inside) and who I want to share my life with (if anyone). I can choose responsibility instead of reaction. I can decide to become more of who I really am.
So instead of being a little sapling that pulls itself up by its roots and moves on in continued frustration, I can practice staying where I am. By staying I can discover what I need to learn and develop stronger roots.
In reality, I can always only be where I am at any given time. No matter what I or anyone else, or the world, might expect of me.
It is my life. My choice. My decision. My responsibility.
The best thing about any belief is that you can change it in a heartbeat…
Stand upright and grow upwards – not sideways – and become as strong and solid as an oak.
Become You!
